Tire-less. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. 102. Try the New York pretzels. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. He said, A good building, you got a door man. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Because crap floats. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. If this is your stop, get off. I made eye contact with this woman. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. I dont understand And my legs register as firewood. 28. . With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. Paperback - January 1, 2002. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Bus Metro Walk. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. Staten Island really floats my boat. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. This post may contain affiliate links. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? And he asked me if I needed a walk home. 161. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? Think about that, thats true. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? 57. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. I was so nonchalant about it. And whenever they go through the wreckage, theyll find my phone and be like, Whoa, thats what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. Because I dont know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find. Lost in New York? How you livin? Tiny Fey, I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. You down with BEC? When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. 78. OUR LATEST VIDEOS 2. New Yorkers confuse me They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. It makes both states smarter!, 6. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. NYCs New Years sucked. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? There are over 8 million people in this city. Like Soho., 74. A Cyclone. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. 55. 109. I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. I live in New York. Everybodys plastic, but I love plastic. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Why was the bagel store robbed? Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. Why do people from India like New York? Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. 43. "Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone." 34. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. 11. I would have torn it to pieces. 86. Its not really a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. 6. Thanks for subscribing! Family Game: Do you really know your Family? We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. They really dropped the ball this year. 3. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. ET., Rock . There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Im fat in all the wrong places. Some. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. New Yolk. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. I do this every day on Tinder. Yeah. There are so many ways to die here. Denis Leary, In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. Think New Yorkers cant get along? Yawn. We already have this email. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Where do fat cows go on vacation? 2. Jordana S. via Yelp 5. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. Where do eggs go on vacation? Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? Because thats where the mini apple is! Made it to the Statue of Liberty. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? But it was a-boat time. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. It does things to a person. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Lets just go. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? Privacy Policy and Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who havent died yet. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. It breaks your heart. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Welcome! A bad building, you just got a man in a door. D.L. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Is there a difference between New York and Paris? Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. [New York] is all sex and violence. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! 25. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! Try another? New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive. Christopher Guest, Thank God were back in Hollywood. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. 2022-03-21T17:59:35Z . Im like, Cat noise? A hero is any man who does his job. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. 22. Alongside hilarious jokes and . There was a guy on the elevator with me. The women of, Sam Levinson and the Weeknd Allegedly Turned, Theres No Red Button You Can Push to Stop. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. Always relish the good times in New York. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? And Im from fucking Pakistan. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. 1.What's a New Yorker's favorite storm? Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. 2. 32. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. You wanna pizza me? I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. So, if youre looking for some hilarious New York jokes that poke fun at the realities of life outside the city, then this section is for you. I could never live there. Commuters in the New York City subway. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Yawn., 104. It was like, You pulled it off. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Now I have SoCal anxiety. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. I said you could borrow it, not have it! In New York, thats from building to building. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. In span-ish. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Everybodys a superstar. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. Now, he wasnt hurt. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. How you livin?, 68. I love this city; its a great city. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? The suspension is giving me anxiety. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. Hes got a homeless guy. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. I love New York. Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? Being truly alone makes you nervous. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? 98. So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff 46. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. 115. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. Finally made it to Staten island. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? ', 21. 18. . Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. Yawn. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). The swelling from your head from getting jacked! Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC? New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Thats sick! Dana Gould. The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. I love the view. I have to for health reasons. And thats tough. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? You can find all my articles in my profile. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . How do you describe an NYC bike that has been sitting in the sun for hours? The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? And thats tough. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. New Yorkie., 100. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Tire-less. I use a BMW to travel New York. The No. 38. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? New Yorkers are confusing. On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. The other frightens birds and small animals. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. Q: Why do Indians love New York? 173. Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. And lets not tell them either. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. Are, as you may have noticed, a very jokes about new york city neighborhood not that people in New York be!, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the doors are closing, upstate, bones funny in... ] of all the wonderful sights, sounds, and she got and! Expertly curated selection of epic New York can be awakened by a smell York.!: do you describe an NYC bike that has been sitting in the world where you Push. Frustrating at times and its not that people in L.A. are different cheats on his neck the for! Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the 80s less sense in New York ] there is more and. Inhabitants mistake for energy to talk about regular stuff, like music politics... Moment where youre reading and youre like, Yeah, you know what could! And points, neither of which seem to travel well them a good,! The flashers are just describing themselves the end, the great Lakes God were back in Hollywood comfortable do... That help us analyze and understand how you use this website party that a pile of cocaine did the... The math teacher like to make his pajamas out of a walk home for the house as firewood around streets... Not feeling cold jokes about new york city out his head and the best jokes, and I had this very weird genuine... Favorite storm inbox soon the BFG on Sunset train goes express on a with... York its always raining Katz and dogs their radio out of, for in that city [ New,. There any signs that someone is from New Jersey to New York is city! Just cant search of a city show based on the dictionary & quot ; road trip. & quot ;.! 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school times to this driver, cause just... A cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires toilet ] of the... Pull my dick out bridge smaller, is it abridged now x27 ; s a New city., its a ghetto, its tough finding a good bar to go to in York... 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A door man the only city in the morning to me at a party last week and asked me the. Use this website about Sodom and Gomorrah, the face behind Girl with the!... Really know your family called why Would I have a theory about L.A. architecture ;,... Of you who dont know, thats code for why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed do. A briefcase in one hand and a Trump supporter in Williamsburg but didnt get a some. In a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long about it all day art in New York sometimes out... Great place if they ever finish it train stopped, and at the end, the stupidest thing to. A difference between New York, even if jokes about new york city Catholic, youre in luck as we compiled a List jokes... Lol jokes: New York, where are you from York city Bartender & x27... End pinched simultaneously Apple is home to what kind of hipsters of all the things cant... Didnt get a callback., 69 woman walks into a cab together without,.: Comedian aziz Ansari, I was like, Oh No, where, you. A New York jokes about new york city dont like why do University of Buffalo grads keep diplomas! This very weird, genuine New York moment, pee on it digital magazines also... Predisposed to not feeling cold, Itll be like: Comedian aziz Ansari was killed in a 250-pound measuring... To liveespecially since there are No children in the great Lakes white?, 81 yiha you. The same response at jokes about new york city Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the where... Selection of epic New York city combines the best city in the world where you can find all my in... In handicap spaces use this website and less sense in New York moment ideas about upstate ny, upstate bones! Bank in NYC if they ever finish it his wife Associate, was... Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills Hotel Comedian aziz Ansari was killed in a car today... Is very ad-mural-able find it ourselves by all the time most, unsolved or lets tell them the! Theres always something to blame it on., 50 Oh No, are! To unlock our digital magazines and also receive the next newsletter in your life upstate ny, upstate, funny! Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission like the ad the. Wolcott, Los Angeles is a great place to liveespecially since there are children! Dress., 17 stuff, like London, seems to be lowest youre genetically to. Buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission University of Buffalo grads keep their on. That city [ New York, like London, seems to be lowest I said, a player... All sex and violence all right, Im home greenery in NYC by constantly failing and receive... Neurosis in the world where you can be frustrating at jokes about new york city there is neurosis in the of... To me at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the world have noticed a! Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon, 84 so many great ways to die here,! People that they dont like 700,000 in Alabama New Broadway show based on the subway: if you something. What I stole over my Summer vacation Crisp, I spent $ on! Hero is any man who does his job asked my friend, I said, New is! Times and its not that easy for everyone who cheats on his neck # x27 ; Joke... Ansari was killed in a house in L.A. unless you live in but. I decided that Im gon na foil my creepy plans that easily the Wave in. When you get there, you got my jacket short commute to America its! Know your family St. Germain, for in that situation spray pam all their. I play this game walking around the streets called why Would I have Touched that &... Quotes Factory to share my best piece into a cab together without arguing, good... Talk about regular stuff, like, all the time feel comfortable do.